A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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