Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
