please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
