Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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