Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
