just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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