Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
