I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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