I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I can text with my tongue
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think my vagina is haunted
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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