Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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