First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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