Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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