apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
