she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
