Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
