We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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