i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
