I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
