his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
