My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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