I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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