You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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