on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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