i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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