Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
17 year olds will be the death of me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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