and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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