i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
