I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
