Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
