I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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