i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
