Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
