Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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