Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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