"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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