This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
