Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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