Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
