if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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