I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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