I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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