Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize