Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
