I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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