I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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