if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize