i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
two words...techno handjob
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
