I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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