I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
