I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
