This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
