Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
