i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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