he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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