my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
